Work

Jobs are a lot of work.

My first week was very hard for me.

The awesome and complex being that is Stephanie has goals and visions. I know what I need to do to acheive some of these goals and visions, one of the steps is 'get a job in your field and get experience working on projects.' Simple enough. 

My issue is that it's all sounding pretty great on paper (like when people ask what I'm doing and I say 'I WORK AS AN ARCHITECT IN BERLIN' it sounds fantastic) but the reality is that whenever I start a new job I feel useless, shy, and uncomfortable. I don't like being chained to an office all day. I feel isolated from the group. I wonder how I can possibly be of any help when I can't relax enough to be comfortable putting ideas out there.

And the whole language barrier is really hard. Jed and I both agree that when someone new starts, people should make an extra effort to make them feel included. But there are a lot of people at work who don't even make eye contact because they know I don't speak any German. 

[Side note: people were shocked that I could say 'Gesundheit']

What doesn't help: I'm not the best at social niceties in English either. And I have this same feeling of uselessness and potential failure when starting any position, including ones that shockingly stupid people can succeed at (cashier at A&W, barista at Starbucks, mail cart girl / receptionist). I just suck at interaction and change... in general. 

I know it gets easier the longer you've been somewhere. A month from now will feel much easier, but it's just pushing through the discomfort and pain of the first little bit that has me feeling so *nyarg.* 

Also, I don't enjoy group lunch. I just don't. I never have and I never will. 

Don't take this as a complaint about having a job, I'm really stoked to have gotten a position where I get experience and can also pay my bills! But being stoked about having a job doesn't make working any less frightening. 

It has been rainy and grey here since we came back, and I'm sad because I want to go out to the parks nearby and take pictures.