I get it! It's the coldest winter EVER, IN ALL OF TIME. Get out your manky fur coats from the attic to combat the arctic -5 (at the worst) weather!
But for the love of baby jebus, GET OFF THE THIN ICE! It's not worth it! I know it's been dark and depressing, but that's no call for extreme measures.
Seriously, WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING ON THIS *BARELY* FROZEN EXPANSE OF WATER??
I'm just saying, it looks rather dangerous, and I'm concerned about your collective mental health.
However bad it gets, just remember, FREE BIKE TIRE AIR! That's not nothing, you know.
-A concerned observer