Epic Rants

In which Stephanie, aided by rum, lambasts the age of nostalgia.

So I was sitting there, enjoying my Saturday night, surrounded by the sounds of Jed making dinner. And then This Article happened. 

Not real quotes from the article: 

"If my recent experience as the judge of all photographic artistic endeavor, embodied by a laughably small-minded photographic competition held in in McSnotty Mountainville, is anything to go by then all photos taken since 1960 are fit only to be used as nappy-liners by the self-same people who take them."

"For the first time in the history of mankind, we couldn't find a piece of photographic excellence that was able to invoke a vulcan mind-meld with all jury members and regrettably we could not announce a winner, or even a runner up, to our Famous Majestic Wildlife Photo Competition. I weep for humanity at the loss of of a winner of this prestigious prize."

"It wasn't as if we were asking for much - just a compelling image that moved us to consecutive heightened emotional states, steps above enlightenment but just a smidge below Nirvana. I mean, how hard is it to take a picture that will help me move my bowels, which have been compressed for the last 30 years?"

"It's like people just can't take good pictures anymore. And who gives a shit about real life anyways? Photography is not a mere device for the uneducated vulgarian on the street, it's a Higher Art Form, regardless of what those stuffed shirts in the late 1800's had to say about it..."

"Personally I find nothing at all striking about the fact that we are transforming people's world-views and breaking down prejudice by showcasing different experiences in different parts of the world.  It's unbelievable that formerly respectable publications like the National Geographic care what a day in the life of an average Montrealer is."

"Furthermore, Instagram and all similar camera apps are the tools of mediocrity and people who take photos of their insipid, boring lives should be jailed, " Iannic Bothersome yawned. "Why should I care if that photo of your family supper was the last one with your tumor-ridden grandmother, who died 2 days later? It's not artistically moving or meaningful. There's no need for that photo to exist."

Ms. Mary Lemons Parkerson--a Photographer of Utmost Importance in Manhattan, who still develops photos (that are completely untouched by the Scourge of Photographic Editing Software) from glass plates with semi-precious toxic chemicals that have caused a slight deformation of the left side of her forehead--would really rather that we all focus on learning to serve a proper cup of tea than try to strain ourselves with the task of taking truly meaningful photos, of which only 5 people on earth are actually qualified to do. 

"I say! Do people actually think those gigapixellated insta-snaps they take on their uPhone devices qualify as 'photos'? Well whatever will be next! Wearing green to Ascot?'  Merky Lemontops derided, sniffily.

"I ask you, what could possibly happen in people's lives that is worthwhile recording? It's not as if they do anything of importance. Well of course they think it's important, but only a certain class of people would think anyone else is interested in their puny existence."

Back to I'ma Brownski, reporting from Bunkk, AB:

"People think they are living life by taking photos but it's just not the case. People have deceived themselves into believing that something as meagre as a sunset over the mountains or a common zebra is something to be celebrated. Ha! People just have no taste and will share just about anything."

"Just when you think the commoners can't get any lower, someone shares a photo of some snot-nosed child who overcame cancer at the age of 2. It's just disgusting! God knows what we'll show in museums and galleries next century.... Nothing of value has been created for well over 50 years."

"Showing real life as it happens is so vulgar. And when people are visiting places that they've never been before and see something they've never seen before, and they take photos of it? Ugh! It reaches to the bounds of what can be accepted. I've seen geographic formations capped by snow since I was a foetus. There's nothing magical about these kinds of moments, and I just can't understand why anyone would waste their time recording it."

 "Yes Indeed!" adds Monseigneur Towel-bottoms, member of the Prestigious Dang'em Photographic Club "Why, back in my grandparents' time they took the effort to actually prepare for photographs. Not like those scruffians today, who just wander about taking casual photos of everyday happenings as if they tell any kind of important story. Yes, back when people dressed up and went to town to be photographed annually, those were real stories we could grasp onto; where we could really get the sense of who these people were and what they did in their lives! What treasures!"

"Nowadays you just see people taking 'snapshots' of everyday things, not at all in any formalized manner, and it just makes you wonder what kind of content is contained in these vingnettes! Completely unstaged events, with no significance! Well it's photographic heresay and a damn shame." Torniquet sighs, despondently.

Ian Bollocks concludes his article with despair; "Talented photographers only exist in my personal address book. If you're not on my list of favorites, you're really not worth knowing. It's just sad how few true artists we have to look up to today. By my watch photography as an art form has ceased to exist on any level. By the way, did you see that article the BBC did with raw footage of what cats do at night? Pure brilliance... If only we had the same rigor in photography..."